


Grantaire is me

by Lunitadiciembre



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types, Original Work, les mis related
Genre: Depressing, English is not my first lenguage if you see mistakes let me know, Fear of Death, I might delete later because it's so depressing I feel bad just rereading it, Rant, enjoltaire ish, honestly not sure I would recommend, it talks about les mis characters but isn't really about them, it's all about me, no one dies but it talks a lot about death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2019-03-04 11:21:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13363659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunitadiciembre/pseuds/Lunitadiciembre
Summary: RANT





	Grantaire is me

**Author's Note:**

> This has no plot, it's just some depressing rant that modern! Grantaire might've had but that's as close to being a les mis fic as it gets. I was just venting. I'm not sure why I'm posting it, I just felt like publishing everything I wrote last year.

Grantaire is me. I am Grantaire. Grantaire is every one of us. We took him and we turned him into something better, something salvageable. We hid all the ugly things and we gave them a reason, we raised him in a different era and we threw ourselves into him and pretended we are happy, and the hole is filled and everything is fixed.

The thing is, Grantaire might have been unhappy because of the era he lived in. Maybe he saw so much misery, so much pain, that he changed. Maybe he saw a lot more of it than the others or maybe he's just more sensitive to it or maybe he just dealt with it differently. Enjolras got angry, Enjolras saw darkness growing and growing and he got more and more determined to fight it. Enjolras saw things getting worse and that fed his hunger, made him better at it every time. Grantaire, though. Grantaire saw darkness growing and drowned in it. He emptied himself, rejected himself and spent all his life trying to feel anything in a world that had drained him dry. Enjolras grew out of himself and Grantaire became a prisoner inside his own rib cage, all bones and poisonous air. That's just how people work, differently.

People take pieces of Grantaire and take pieces of themselves and make art. Grantaire grows up sad but not sad enough that his friends can't fix him. He's depressed but he's happy, he drank a while ago but not anymore. He teases, he can be a bit of a jerk, but he never crosses the line.

He's never mean, he's never dangerous. He is an alcoholic, maybe, at some point, but he never grabs someone and talks very close to them, his friends never smell his breath and get upset. He doesn't have any kids, you know, and that's good because wouldn't it be the worst if Grantaire was a father, can you imagine his name intertwined with a real person that makes you cry and makes you angry and who you also love, maybe. Sometimes you want him to disappear and then sometimes you're terrified he will because you love him so much you don't know how you'll survive without him but you don't know how you're surviving with him, either. It doesn't matter because Grantaire has no family and we don't know his past and we can project onto him and make us, him better.

Enjolras never looks at him, defeated, and "oh god, Grantaire, can't you please try, I just want you to try and get better your friends love you so much I love you so much why are you still like this". Grantaire never yells at them and mocks them and makes them cry. Grantaire never gets in a fight because he needs to feel something, Grantaire is never mean, spiteful, because he's scared and they care and "oh fuck why would they care they could destroy me I can't do this". Grantaire is never stupid and suicidal, not now, not in this time, how could you, how could he, when he has friends who love him? 

Grantaire is never unsatisfied and he always feels real, he never wants to reach inside himself and pull his heart out, feel the heartbeats in his hand, and breathe. He never wishes something bad will happen to him and he'll get hurt and he'll feel it and it's fine it's fine I'm fine I'm real I'm alive. He never wants something more and he never wants to go back and he never feels the world is meaningless because he got everything he ever could've wanted really, didn't he? Grantaire will never be happy but still sad, he'll never get angry at himself because the world is not enough for him and it should. Grantaire is alive and he's not dying and he's fine.

Maybe they will all leave him, because they can't deal with his shit anymore and they have to look after themselves and Grantaire will laugh and drink and he'll think "don't you dare to hurt them even more, you absolute fuck up" but he will.  
Maybe Grantaire will die in a bathtub, bleeding out, maybe he'll drink himself to death. Maybe he'll die in an accident and he'll think it so funny, all your life thinking about how you'd die and then the time comes and it's completely out of your control and "oh god I don't actually want to die oh fuck I'm so scared".  
Maybe he won't die young, but they will and he'll look at their families and their graves and think "there has been a mistake, I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be here I don't deserve to be here".  
Maybe he'll die old and his friends will die old and they'll have lost contact after college and he'll spent his days reminiscing on the best years on his life and will live dreaming of a past that he edited and put make up on, the prettiest most precious past. All while knowing, deep down it wasn't that good I mean it was okay I'm not complaining it's just life feels so shit right now and the clock keeps ticking and he never did found out what on earth he was going to do with his life so he put it on pause and just let it pass over him. He's old and he's frail and he's still alone, and he keeps thinking why what the fuck is the point of this should I have done something differently I should've clearly because I hate where I ended up. He keeps thinking is there a way to make life real permanently because sometimes it feels like a play and sometimes my fantasies make a lot more sense, everything in it means something and leads to something and there's not stupid hours just watching the ceiling or watching yourself outside of yourself, there's never the feeling of running towards nowhere and being trapped running like a hamster in a wheel just potential energy that does nothing and serves no purpose. Is there a way to be happy all the time is everyone just faking or did they actually figure it out, and if there isn't why couldn't he just fake it and be done with it why does he have to be thinking all the time about stuff he can't fix or understand? Life is still outside of his control and it might be even worse because he had all this time to think and waste but maybe it was better really because he has lived more... he can't be sure. What does he even believe in anyway, does he believe in anything? He believes in whatever makes it possible that he keeps living but that's impossible isn't it, even if heaven exists it won't be living it'll be after-living it'll be timeless so it won't last at all. He knows he'll die terrified anyway no matter how much he might try to trust in a higher power to save him.

Maybe he'll even die old with Enjolras, as friends or as lovers, doesn't matter. He'll keep being friends with everyone and everyone kept being nice to him and being there for some reason and he guesses he managed to not fuck it up so much that they leave him so that's good. He hates that the best ending might not be enough for him, that he'll still feel awful at times and empty at other times. He'll still be a bad friend sometimes and he'll still feel like or be a bad person and he'll be terrified that they will leave him and he'll love them so much but sometimes they won't be enough and if they aren't enough what is? Is enough possible? Is happiness possible? He'll hate that he'll live like this and complain when so many people go through the same thing and they get better, they are happy. They aren't always happy but they are content, they are good friends and good persons and they might be Grantaire, but they deal with it better. There's also others Grantaires everywhere that act and think exactly like him and he hates them he hates them why can't they be better they're hurting people why can't he be better.

But I'm not really Grantaire.


End file.
